… stock up on Glenfiddich, rifles and acid, drive back to Cuba in 1961 and do it RIGHT this time.
… introduce Charles Babbage to Nikolai Tesla and have them invent the internet 100 years early, thus establishing a steampunk paradise.
… drop in to 2150 and give those Daleks a swift punch up the bracket.
… tell L Ron to base his quack religion on GOOD sci-fi, and not a rejected Flash Gordon script.
… pick up Bertie Wooster and Reginald Jeeves for a Blues Brothers-esque jaunt across 1930′s UK.
… let Jesus, Gendun Drupi, Muhammad, Confucius, Guru Nanak & Siddhārtha Gautama duke it out once and for all and watch the sacred bloodmatch whilst toking up with Lord Omar Khayyam and Malaclypse The Younger.
… duel with Hitler on top of a zeppelin in a thunderstorm over the Houses of Parliament. With harmonicas.
… go back to the early 90s and provide the music industry with a cure for James Blunt.
… give Bill Clinton the address of a decent dry cleaners, and jam out to some Jerry Rafferty with him in the Oval Office.
… pick up Carl Sagan and take him back to the Royal Library of Alexandria.
… show a 90′s Jay Leno a recent monologue from The Tonight Show.
… tell Tim Child to drop Virtually Impossible and shoot that 9th season of Knightmare.
… tell Lincoln that Our American Cousin was getting shit reviews and take him out to some Gilbert and Sullivan instead.
… hide under the Mona Lisa and erotically tickle her feet.
… show Martin Luther King Jr the BET network.
… nip forward 15 minutes, copy this post, come back to now and paste it into WordPress, thus saving me a tiresome trek through the maelstrom of idiotic ramblings that is my Twitter archive.